A little life organisation

As the final year of university approaches, the question that hovers on everyones lips and in-fact my own lips, is ‘what next?’

With the usual reply including shrugs and dismissals that coincide with the refusal to admit I have no idea how to plan my future; it all seems pretty scary.

To travel is the first thing that my mind races to when contemplating what lies ahead. To explore the world and to see what it offers must be one of the most fulfilling things this life has to offer. Ultimately what else is there than to view the wonders of the planet, taking part and understanding new cultures and lifestyles. It all seems exciting and glamorous at the concept of travelling straight after university. Then reality sets in.

I’m going to be in a major money crisis once I graduate and that leads me to become torn between my desire for travelling and my desire to find a graduate job I really love straight away.  Moving back home in order to save up for travelling makes my heart hurt as the independence I love and gained from uni will be gone from me (I live in a very remote area) but I do not want to get caught in a job that leads me to miss my opportunity of travelling. Catch 22.

The end of the academic year is haunting me like a restless ghost, an unshakable one that  is, one that inevitably is going to catch me. The juggle of studies and my social life is going to become increasingly difficult to manage and I can already feel the sadness of leaving university behind and embarking on a new chapter.

This blog was titled ‘a little life organisation’ and has conveyed pretty much no organisation just a jumble of thoughts. I guess as you can never really plan life, it’s a metaphor in its own odd sense.


The Doctor is a woman?

The recent revelation in the television universe is that Doctor Who has broken tradition and  the main character is a woman.

The controversy and comments this has sparked is crazy, ranging from sexism to criticism to praise. Personally, as a massive Doctor Who fan starting from Eccleston’s era, I also have an opinion to offer on this reveal.

I did enjoy the Doctor being a male character, and I won’t pretend that I was fully on board with a female character. I enjoyed the relationship between the Doctor and his companions (both male and female) and how the show worked with a male character lead. A female character may change the dynamic of the show, and as a major fan the prospect of that makes me doubtful of the choice.

However, I will not shun the choice of a female lead in terms of sexist views. This is where the problem is arising. There are some, like myself, who have stated that they would’ve preferred a male character to remain, but will give the new actress a chance. This is not sexist and this needs to be understood. Saying you prefer a female or a male character is not sexist as it is not restricting the rights of either gender. IT IS A PREFERENCE. When a character is cast, I do not get offended about which gender is chosen as there has to be a choice between the two. For the many years of watching, I also have not been offended by the Doctor being male, I never wished for a female Doctor and I have never felt victimised by the male lead. Labelling tweets as ‘sexist’ that state they would’ve preferred a male is wrong. If they had been saying ‘a woman can’t perform the role like a male’ then that is sexist. Stating their personal choice in a non-derogative way is not.

Sexism is such a sensitive subject when it should be such an easy concept to understand. To put a female or male (sexism is for both genders people!!) down or victimise them because of their gender is the issue. This label should not be thrown around at people who aren’t committing the crime. It degrades the term and makes it seem petty. It is very important to use it right. It opens the door for people to make fun of the terms sexism and feminism, the stereotype of a ‘crazy feminist’ is because of this. When equality is all anyone who supports these movements wants.

Another nag of mine, brought on by the announcement is certain comments. The kinds of comments along the lines of “now I’m going to watch the show” and “this show now looks good”.  A FEMALE DOCTOR SHOULD NOT BE CHANGING THE SHOW. The point is, she is the same character and the same plot lines and aliens are still present. If you did not like the show before, you most likely will not like it anymore now it has a female Doctor.

Overall, down to me I would’ve kept the Doctor as a male character because I like how it works and plays out. That is not to say I won’t watch the new series in hope it stays as my beloved show. I really hope Jodie Whittaker aces it as I would be devastated to watch the whole dynamic of the show alter. Furthermore, having a male Doctor does not mean I revelled in the love stories between him and his female companions. I liked the more subtle love he had with Rose that only become more dominant at the end. Clara and Martha’s crushes on the Doctor were not interesting and were rather obvious. The classic male lead with female companion that are used in arguments as to why it’s a sexist show is not a reason for me, Rory was by far one of the best companions.

This announcement should not have lead to the issue of feminism/sexism, it should just be down to personal preference.

Feeling Lost?

Every year, there is a reoccurring feeling I get. It happens just before the start of summer. It is the feeling of no direction.

I suppose it all kicks of around this time when Instagram and YouTube is swamped by images of the Californian sun and everyone is out exploring awesome places the world has to offer. Then here I am, home from uni with a summer that is way too long (5 months!!) so I have to get a small job in order to get some money and not wither of boredom. It then just becomes a cycle of not having to means to do what I would want with my summer, then getting depressed because I am not doing anything I deem as exciting.

I get it. Majority of people are in this same predicament and we can’t all be lucky enough to be a social media star or have the luxury of travel. But that doesn’t stop me craving a life with a bit more oomph! This feeling is also emphasised by the ever nearing ‘future’ I have to decide on. Numerous questions come my way about career choices and where I want to be in 5 years time. I DON’T HAVE A CLUE! and it is so scary. Uni is throwing the idea that I need a plan at me, but without providing any clear assistance in how to achieve this. If someone asks me what I want to do, and I reply with the classic ‘I haven’t decided yet.’ then the conversation swiftly dies. I feel like I’m begging someone to just come out and tell me the job they know would suit me and that will give me the path I need to follow.

This feeling is so common. I live with someone who feels the exact same, and around this time of the year too and it does help to have someone to talk to about this. We both just want the freedom to explore and not have the weight of life on us. Don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to owning my own house and having a family. It’s very strange, during the winter I love this idea. But as soon as summer starts approaching I seem to get restless and the thought of a routine life for the next 50 years seems bleak.

So another mildly deep post here. It will get brighter, it just so happens it is much easier to vent about issues rather than positives. Apologies.

Self-Love Issues

I have always struggled with loving myself as the vast majority do. I rollarcoaster drastically from feeling motivated -‘I can stick to this meal plan and regular exercise’ to looking in the mirror on week 2 to discover I look roughly the same and maybe even a little worse than when I started. It is so discouraging.

Instagram is both an addicting and painful platform for me. I feel I can literally torture my brain with pictures of super skinny girls with zero flaws but also love it at the same time? I guess it’s because that is the ultimate goal, even though it is unrealistic and virtually impossible.

I have a summer holiday in Crete planned, a family trip, and I want to look good for it. I want to actually be able to wear a bikini and not feel like a nervous wreck. In all honesty I have never had the courage to wear a bikini without the safety of a t-shirt or shorts since I was probably about 8. I am now 20. That is a long time to struggle with how you look, especially when others around me can happily strip off and enjoy the summer season when I even struggle to wear a pair of shorts without wanting to cry. It kills me that this is my ‘prime’ and I just can not get over the block thats in my head about what I look like even though I am fully aware no one really cares. But I care and that’s the problem. I would really like to look back on pictures of my summers when I’m older and be like ‘yeah I rocked that crop top whilst I still could.’ ((even though anyone can wear anything at any age but ygm)) and that sense of regret I know my future self will feel is actually a haunting thought. I know this because I look back on pictures of when I was 16/17 and envy how I was so much smaller then than I am now. I also know back then I was not happy with me, and current day me wished I had taken advantage of how I looked and worn the clothes I was scared too.

However, maybe writing down my issues here will help be the motivation I need, I feel so out of control of my body at the moment but diet and exercise are one thing I have the power to decide on. It is hard at uni when you share a kitchen with six people, everything is a bit gross, and salad goes out of date almost instantaneously, but the thought of going on holiday needs to be my motivation to be able to look the way I have wanted for so much.